If you're anything like me, you ride a bit of a small emotional wave after watching an emotionally charged movie... one that makes you laugh, cry, one that prods you to mildly consider some deep reflection and pondering.
The movie was "The Glass Castle". My best friend and I were waiting for the sun to set at a carnival nearby so we went to see a movie. She mentioned having to read the book in high school and said the story was good. I hadn't read the book, but now I feel compelled to.
I couldn't help but relate to the (mostly) protagonist, Jeanette, growing up in an environment that is not... "typical" of what maybe other people were around. She grows up wanting more, wanting out, wanting to find meaning elsewhere but can't help realizing that ignoring, disguising, or re-writing who she is is futile. She also learns hard lessons of forgiveness and taking every bit of the good with every bit of the bad.
It takes me back to approximately this same time last summer: stressed out, fed up, under what seemed like brickloads of pressure, starving for more [but really needing less], and so set on changing-- anything was preferable to where I was standing, sleeping, breathing.
Too often it is we fall into chasing something that we will never be able to reach, but it captures, clutches, and fascinates us nonetheless. I don't want to spoil any part of the movie but I will say this, even though it is hella cliché, but we have to learn to love and live every second, we have to look deeper, past the scorn of others and into the uniqueness of each other's vivid souls, to find the balance between who we are (nature) and who we want to become (nurture) before they're gone.
As I count down the days at home before I leave for another year at university I can't help but look back and notice the changes that have taken place. Where I am is definitely not where I started, and I couldn't be more thankful. This time a year ago I was unsure, angry, and almost an unreal level of desperate. This time a year ago I was a poor communicator, I didn't trust my abilities, and my willpower was pretty much completely sunken.
It takes time and reflection, it takes words and healing, it takes love and reminders that we're valid and fragile in order to move forward, see who we are and make guesses at who we're going to be.
xx
steph