In the rearview

I went back today and re-read the first post I ever wrote on this blog. This was prompted, undoubtedly, by seeing Vivian's 2-year blog-a-versary [!!] [congrats!!] and an overcast feeling that has followed me pretty much throughout the back end of this week.

And maybe this post should totally be saved for my actual blog-a-versary [this will be my fourth year...??] but reading that first post...[and the first couple, actually] definitely opened my eyes to a few things that would be nice to write about right now.

For instance, the amount of detail I put into the posts. What I probably thought was "ranting" at the time was really just me, re-creating and re-crafting what I had experienced, in a more extensive stream of consciousness. Re-reading them puts me back. In the moments. Some moments I'd almost forgotten, actually. But that's where the magic happens. Just in describing things exactly the way they are, I think it transforms the mundane and the mundane post. I really want to get back into this.

Or the unfiltered-ness.  I know back then I just wanted a blog and I probably wanted to be cool but I was still unabashedly nerdy about it, and was incredibly open. I know there was a point either this past summer or the summer before where I tried so hard to get back to posting with that level of honesty and openness... but looking back now it's almost like I had it from the start. I think it was when I got nose-deep in high school some things fell off the wagon... I know I was also probably a lot stupider when it comes to divulging personal/sensitive information back there. *wince*

Or the design. Lol. I had nearly forgotten what my old blog used to look like, but I looked at one of my old saved templates just now and WOW. I did not know what I was doing back then. #basicbloggrchick

Or some of my beliefs. This girl has come a lonnnnnnnng way in this area. Politically, religiously, socially, etc. And there's definitely another huge belief I've developed: you can't fucking please everyone, no matter how hard you try. 

Pardon my French.

Or how I got pumped about 100 pageviews. LOL views don't frigging matter. This is my space, I'll do with it what I will, and if you're here, welcome, I love you, and thank you. But if you're not here, that's okay too.

Or the commitment. By golly I was writing a post like every day. I remember mentioning being on a "blogger's high" but honestly I think I was just hella bored and had no real responsibilities and was just looking for an excuse to use a computer. Believe me, I *wish* I could devote time every day to write. [I can barely keep up with my 100 cards in 100 days project].

...Or the optimism. I thought I promised myself I wouldn't grow cranky and cynical with age??!! UGH but alas, comparing my present posts with those early ones I can TOTALLY see a difference in perspective and mood.

[Well, that's depressing.]

But it's not like I'm going to feign happiness and pretend my life is good and happy and perfect and that everything is rainbows and dandelions and puppy fur. Nope. That's called being fake. And I hate that. I like aesthetic things but I don't want to drastically become something I'm not or give the impression of that. God, if there's one thing in this world I want to find the perfect balance of realness to have with another human [this is a work in progress].

Or the [more] clever titles. [Where the hell did I pull them from...?] Maybe I'll put some more effort into mine from now on.

Sooooo yup.
I'm still perusing and I continue to see growth and change and honestly, that's all I really wanted out of this blog. Just a way to document who I was, who I am, and who I'm becoming.

And that, I think, is something to be proud of.

💚
steph